I figured girls wouldn't be down to sleep w/ a guy who plugged a pregnant chick
you don't remember? you called me at 330 crying because you were in the middle of having sex with corey and forgot his name. all you kept saying was i'm a drunk bitch.
I just got a ticket for the snow penis we made in our front yard.
Slipping me an edible before my ochem final was not your brightest idea. Looks like I'm switching to business.
Now that we both have boys can we make up games that objectify them as sex toys?
Reading my bank statement stoned makes me feel like an adult.
This juggling 3 dicks is getting exhausting
Posting happy birthday to my grandpa on Facebook.... Then realizing my profile pic is me dressed as a slutty cop when he used to be a police officer.
I brought ur friend Scotty home... He started rubbing my crotch then fell down and passed out in front of the microwave
Oh my god I found my bf's erotica
OH MY GOD HE WROTE THIS EROTICA.
OH MY GOD THIS IS GOOD EROTICA.
The selfie stick gets 5 stars bc it really added a fun element to my sex tape
hey at least you are getting hit on, i spent all day researching cat sedatives
I know, dude. If he ends up having a tiny dick, I will literally pack it back into his pants and leave. Not worth the aggravation.
We told the cop that we were playing soccer, in flip flops, and 2:30 in the morning. It was raining and i had board shorts on. He bought it, lets go get drunk
I got pulled over by the same cop in a 4.5 hour window. Got off both times. Fuck yes.
Randomize
