he poured tabasco sauce in my vag.. I'm still having a hard time going to the bathroom.
Can you believe The 5th Element didn't get best fight scene in 1997?! I'm still bitter. 12 years later.
Haha how do you remember that?
HOW COULD I FORGET?!
I am currently prioritizing my hw by splitting into things i can and things i cant do drunk. Oh college
Just woke to a Christmas wrapped pack of hotdogs in my bathtub. How high did we get?
I woke up and my clothes were soaked in the shower and I was wearing a Ghostbusters uniform. I'm shocked she hasn't left me yet.
you read me verses from the beginners bible until my answering machine finally ran out of time and cut you off.
please tell me you didn't have sex with him in the bathroom...
Does an alley count?
I think I found an E pill under the couch.. Or really bad tasting candy. Check back in 30min this could get exciting
if i can get a chik with a dibaetes pump naked a sling certainly isnt going to get in my way
Happiness is the polar opposite of catching your dad watching holiday themed porn
After so many times of carrying your puked covered clothes home in a bag on a Tuesday morning, you begin to realize that Fucked Up Mondays aren't a real thing.
Using the only finger i can move, i calculated body mass, intake and time. It's mathematically impossible for me to still have this hangover at 9pm. I passed out at 8pm last night. Fuck vodka.
If you're doing something that makes your best friend lock you in a bathroom you shouldn't be doing it
Unless your name is actually "Ticfj" like my phone says, I have no idea who you are...
Welcome aboard the S.S. struggle. I'll be your captain for today's voyage and Jeremy is your first mate. Just sit back and relax while we navigate the seas of drunken regret. Your forecast for the day is violently hungover with a chance of "shit, that really did happen!"
Randomize
