I am I'm going to have heart failure he's peed on my life.
I love reading their "i love you more" , "no i love you more" war on facebook today knowing that he hooked up with me last night. I bet i know who wins that one.
i don't understand how she was down there for so long, she's like a mermaid, a blowjob giving mermaid.
I'm too hungover to be in a fucking cow suit right now
you fell asleep spooning with his golden retriever. im not sure if thats more degrading for you or the dog
You weren't a difficult drunk to take care of. I just had to stop you from plunging the toilet once or twice.
I understand where he's coming from but I don't want this alcohol to revolve around relationship
Wait
My god. His mom just smacked my ass. Does this mean I'm accepted??
I jumped out of a moving car going sixty into my driveway because I had to shit so bad. It is not a good day today.
somehow attending a funeral viewing turned into me snorting cocaine in the bathroom and drawing ninja turtles for children
One day i'll wow you with artfully trimmed pubes.
Funny how the post-sex UTI lasted longer than the entire relationship.
Do you ever look at someone's Snapchat story and think ‘you told me you would eat my ass’?
Just saw a commercial for non alcoholic baileys cream. WHAT THE HELL IS THE POINT?!
I don’t want to brag, but vows, morals and will power are no match for my blow job skills
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