Red Bull/Vodka? You bet I'm showing everyone my penis tonight.
Yeah. Fortunately, the road to Hell is paved with naked 21 year old girls.
Which beats the fuck out of good intentions.
is it weird that i blow-dry my hair and poop at the same time?
not any weirder than you telling me this at 4 in the morning
Should I be alarmed that you're a regular enough at a bar to show up in sweatpants?
I'm still trying to figure out how you came back with chinese food, and a spoon covered in icing saying 'cake..'
He will not just "come" out of the closet. He will fall out, 69ing me, with two fingers in his starving asshole, wearing cum splattered lady gaga sunglasses, weeping.
That was the greatest thing i have ever read.
I need a gatorade, my back cracked, my crimper, my shot glass, a sock of rice and an explanation.
You did this to yourself.
You won’t make it to November. A 21st bday and Halloween in the same night has shitshow/ jail written all over it. So I call dibs on that tall guy
And the horses in Central Park have blankets. And Rafiki just told me "it is time" in the back of our cab.
my boss just accepted "because it's 4/20" as a legitimate reason to take Friday off
From the same High Brittany who brought you such thoughts as, "Fuck, am I wearing shoes?" Comes High Brittany on a date! Stay tuned. This will be interesting.
Totally shot down my boss for sex today. Approaching this weekend with a clear conscience and an untouched vagina.
I see you listening to my get shitfaced playlist on spotify. glad we're on the same page tonight there's a drink waiting for you downstairs.
I woke up in a cornfield to shouting, a bottle of Jim Beam, and a bunch of mc muffins. If this doesn't scream Illinois, idk what does.
Just rode a bull topless for a free bar tap for a month
Randomize
