8th day he invented the big mac, 9th he invented pop rocks, 10th day boobs.
You totally narrated your dogs thoughts for 2 and a half hours last night, and I was enthralled. I didn't say one word, I just listened.
you know you go to a catholic school when you are rollin a joint with matthew 14:1-12
just as they were cutting his pants off he made em stop & said "everyone knows about shrinkage right".
I'm sorry I tried putting my balls in your cup holder.
No, he's ok. He just broke his teeth on the stripper pole. No biggie.
omg I just had an epiphany about why I grew into such a whore....
HAVE YOU EVER NOTICED WHAT THE SPICE GIRLS USED TO WEAR?!? those were my idols, I never stood a chance
Nothing like waking up naked and alone on your floor to remind you that you make life mistakes often.
Then me, her, and her mom snorted tequila. The bartender was in shock.
Nothing says besties like laying naked in bed hungover arguing over who is getting the pants
Deciding whether to take my sex toys home for Christmas will be the biggest decision I make this holiday season
I'm pmsing and only have one functional foot
Okay but look at his jawline. I NEED TO RIDE IT.
also, my mom just called to make sure the dick tattoo on your arm was fake..
"Plot twist... I'm straight."
Randomize
