Yea I just took my 1st pregnancy test. Turns out I am just fat. Also I haven't been with anyone in 3 months, which is clearly making me crazy.
The one night I bring a girl home you leave the footloose soundtrack playing.
As I was leaving the drunk tank the cop told me he had a feeling we would be meeting again real soon.
He took naked pictures of me and told me if I ever got to the Disney Channel level of fame he would help me out. I think i'm in love
I haven't seen him since I gave him a hand job in the hospital. I like to think I contributed to his speedy recovery.
Apprently after I bit that bouncer, it all went down hill.
James is trying to butt-heads with a moose. I don't know whether I should stop him or just sit back and watch where this goes.
I made a wizard staff out of Keystone light... I am therefore the smoothest wizard in all of our university's history.
Pretty sure I used toilet water to wash vomit off my face last night...
I want to get "Patrick Kane" wasted tonight
I am one hundred percent down for that
And they're not making a turkey. My cousin was "hoping to shoot a bird this week"
IM TRYING TO SAY GOODNIGHT STOP FOR LIKE FIVE SECONDS WITH THE DICK SUCKING
This is why you are going on a date. To see if he is fun or if we need to shank him in the parking lot.
I think I fucked someone on the flight home last night.
Try me, you 5'5 gremlin
Randomize
