Dude, just walked by a homeless guy pissing on the sidewalk while he was screaming at his wang. God, I love this city.
I'm pretty sure I'm almost gay. Like, I'd do it if I had no choice. Like, if i were in prison I'd try it.
ATMs should seriously have built in breathalysers, I would save so much money.
Just ate applesauce I laced with percocets for dinner. I'm pretty sure my grandmother does the same thing.
theyll ask where you are and ill say on a date crying in a sombrero
like that time i did too much ghb at gay pride
I think I used your jacking off shit when I showered. I couldn't see shit, it was all oily. Fuck power outages
He's either jacking off or listening to Kanye West.
well that explains the french fry and ketchup packet rolled into the wasitband of my sweats. thank you drunk me.
You can't find true love with Budweiser and a futon
Yep. How's your hangover?
It's like I fucked its sister and it's getting back at me.
If someone made a breakfast cereal that was a cross between lucky charms and fruity pebbles and called it unicorn power with a huge fucking rainbow and a unicorn standing in a pot of gold on the box, they would be rich. Not only monetarily but spiritually as well...
I tried to prevent a bar fight. By convincing a guy whacked out on Molly to slap the ass of everyone who was arguing and shout "WOO" each time. I'm proud, surprised, and intrigued that it calmed everyone down so quickly...
The assignment was about the Industrial Revolution so I just screamed at them in a British accent all day. No, they didn't know I was hungover.
I use my feet as sexual weapons
Stranded. In bathroom stall. No toilet paper. I repeat NO TOILET PAPER! Assistance needed asap. GO! GO! GO!
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