He introduced her to the DMA meeting by saying: in the past few years i've never seen someone work so hard for so little success
You are an awful beat friend I am goin to die in a car accident and then my corpse is going to be used by criminals ala weekend at bernies to rob a bank then my corpse will go to jail Thanks john Thanks for nuthin
we screwed to my bar mtzvah tape, I became a man while watching myself becom a man
i don't care if its just a preseason game, my pick up a guy and suck him off in the bathroom skills are in midseason form
She just broke down showed up grabbed a beer said fuck it pulled off her fake eyelashes looked at my roommate and said we need to break up you're a nice guy and I'm a whore
We're in the emergency room. He concussed himself trying to pop all the bubbles on my "one bubble a day" wall calender with his face.
Nothing like the It's a Small World ride at Disneyland to remind you to take your birth control. I took it on the boat yesterday
I'm actually not sure I need to run today, between the crazy monkey sex and breaking into my own house.
He said bring my breathalyzer and Anna's pepper spray, I didn't ask questions
After the clumsiest day of my life I think it's safe to say my dream of being a ninja is dead. Memorial service with a glass of wine at 8pm
So I woke up really sad and then I looked in the cabinet and there was weed and now I'm not sad anymore
There should be a guide book that probation officers hand out on "how to tell a tinder girl about your ankle monitor before she notices it at the worst possible moment"
I accidentally gave my prayer card to the bouncer. Clearly a cry for help #saveme
I will be DAMNED if anyone but me breastfeeds my cat.
I'm at home, drunk, and I just called the guy I lost my virginity to and invited him to my wedding.. I've got to stop drinking by myself.
Randomize
