checking your phone to see who you drunk dialed last night isnt as funny when you see you had a 17 minute call to your dad.
looks like were buying each other an abortion for our one year present...
he suggested we appoligize to eachother. then do blow and painkillers & have ourselves a make-up party.
If we were to wake in ur bed together, what are the 3 words you would say to me?
Get out now.
At the pride parade. It's not even noon and I'm drunk as shit... for equality of course
They asked me to help them shop for lingerie.
Tell them everything looks awful, makes their ass look fat, etc. You'll wreck their self esteem and likely both have sex with you to make themselves feel better.
You're the most understanding sister I could ever ask for.
i don't know what part of 'duct tape bikini waxes' seemed even a little okay in our drunk minds, but i'm never drinking with your sister again
I would agree. Whose business is it if I like to guzzle vodka by the liter on my of time? Answer: mine.
So that prostitue I banged at Steve's bachelor party just texted and invited me to a BBQ at her parents. Never again doubt the power of the cock piercing.
Cant get off the floor. Need more beer. Send help.
My autobiography will be 500 pages of the words "I probably should've thought this through" typed over and over.
I'm touching everything in your apartment with my penis.
This is why we can never be just regular friends. The shit we do is not regular
When the people downstairs start talking about drugs, I second guess buying my drugs from them. Then I remember they are cheap and convenient.
Dude. That's like masturbating until the point that you're going to climax, then stopping, waiting for a few seconds and then starting all over. While that does lead to an altogether more powerful orgasm, it's still annoying as hell until you get there.
I was not expecting that analogy.
No one ever expects that analogy.
Randomize
