Its like the long john silvers of colleges, I wouldnt even go there to use the bathroom
I am pretty sure I told him the clouds were earth's purest filtration system and that snow was the rarest and most delicious water in the world. My lips are burning because we ate so much.
I had to go to the front counter of the restaurant and ask for the key because I was "pretty sure my friend is passed out in the bathroom right now"
In case you were unaware playing with rabbits on ecstasy is the greatest thing ever. I feel like I'm ODing on adorable right now.
The bad decision stars are too close to aligning to risk this tonight.
Will you be my therapist? I don't want to tell me secrets to a strange person and be judged all over again when you have already taken the time to do it. Oh and I will pay you with alcohol
You know what, don't even answer. Just promise me you'll go to the Corner of Shame when you get home.
Having boobs is probably the greatest thing in the world, free booze all around
Do you think the firemen will remember me?
Yes. But you were sloppy, sobbing, and puked on two of them. You won't get in their pants.
I sent him a cookie cake that said "Congratulations you're not a father"
Oh Jesus. Are you going to the hospital?
No I'm showering then leaving for Vegas
You would think by the size of the lump on my ass that I would have remembered falling down a flight of stairs.
We need some Captain and Fanta. That shit will change your life. Sidenote, bring an IV drip to hook me to in the morning
I'm being hhit on by creepy guys please come one bought me a penis hat balloon animal save meeeee
Not to make this awkward, but if we ever have sex (perhaps drunkenly), all i'm gonna be able to think about is how sexy our kids would be.
Randomize
