i think i've said "don't judge me" 10+ times tonight... is that a bad thing?
yes
... don't judge me
When you went through airport security you asked if the could check if a baby was in there. That drunk.
I'm drinking and throwing an enormous tennis ball at children. I couldn't be happier.
for breakfast I had vodka and flavor blasted goldfish. and I'm topless.
My google searches from last night: tetanus shot rabbit bite, Bacardi gluten free
nah i think i'm gonna take my landlord's kids trick-or-treating instead. apparently the houses around here hand out wine to the adults and candy to the kids.
You know you need to hit the gym when you're not strong enough to get the cork outta the wine bottle. And you know you're a drunk when that's the only motivation to do exercises
I never appreciated sexting until I went to rehab
Gotta get new sheets. ..I fucked the satin off mine.
I spy something regrettable...
Oh my god. Stop!! It was one time and I still can't believe it.
We met some guy at the beach, and dug a hole with him. He invited us to "come back at night and smoke a blunt in this hole"
2 six inch heels, 3 big sangrias, no broken legs
I woke up in a bunk bed beside two Brazilians dude you have no idea how happy I was
Jungle juice breakfast? No? Ok.
He really is. Owns his own house and has more than one towel!
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