Any questions about why there was a scuba tank chilling in the hot tub this morning?
Bad news is he broke up with me via text message
But the good news is I've returned as mayor of whoreville
You pulled the fire alarm because you had to shit and there was someone in the bathroom. you said you needed privacy
Were taking tot shots. If toddlers could drink these are the size of shots they would take
Send me the picture of my mugshot, my boss got arrested last night and I'm trying to make her feel better.
You pulled me aside and handed me a plastic childrens' tea cup full of 151 and said "trust me its a great idea"
you tried turning the bar into a spelling b competition last night and every time someone couldn't spell something you would make them chug.
its before 9am and ive already had to dip my dick and balls in a glass of milk. probably isnt a good sign for how today is going to go.
Bro... You handed me an ice cube from your drink and said "tell me if it tastes like pickles".
He keeps texting me videos of fish swimming in his fish tank, so I think it's safe to say he's back on weed.
Please don't pee your pants in the cab. One more time, and im pretty sure the cab companies will refuse to pick you up anymore
My bail money is reserved for people I either A, think were in the right, or B, have an awesome story that leads up to needing it. Just remember that before you call me.
I woke up on my girls floor with a pound of muenster cheese in my shirt pocket
You were holding onto her boobs like you were adrift at sea and they were the only flotation devices
When I get off work and you're not around to hang out with all I do is lay around in my underwear and eat potatoes.
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