I know they r crazy. However porn on a big screen is an easy commitment. They come with mute, stop, fast fwd and replay buttons. if only all women came that way...
Seriously, I would hit on barney the dinosaur right now if it meant I was going to get laid.
i have a girlfriend
if you're drunk do you have a girlfriend?
no
Just so we both are on the same page, I have no solid plans as to where I'll be sleeping tonight.
day 8: i just gave goat a piece of pineapple soaked in rum. as an animal science major, im ashamed. as a normal person, it was awesome.
I think I've hugged the toilet more times than I've hugged my own family members.
He raised his arm and dropped it in his sleep to smack himself awake. He knows his phone has an alarm clock right?
You know it's been a good thanksgiving when you pee all over your own hands.
Just yelled out loud for someone to buy me a drink, 30 seconds later random guy on grindr asks what I'm drinking.
There's a 98% chance your drink will taste like rohypnol
just woke up. hair smells like weed and bbq. shins are bruised. vague memory of us chasing deer at the park at 3 am. fill me in on what exactly happened.
Apparently I was drunk enough to call he police station and ask if there was a problem with me.
I'm still, like... really stoked about not having any STDs
Mischief managed.
YOU ARE NOT A MARAUDER, WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU DO NOW?
Lots of tissues. Maybe pizza. Only time will tell. The stages of political grief.
THREE MINUTES! THREE MINUTES PAST MIDNIGHT I STSRT HEARING CHRISTMAS MUSIC ON THE OVERHEAD PA SYSTEM!!!
Randomize
