I considered driving home in his mom's bathrobe until i realized i'd have to stop to buy cigarettes
I dont understand how a fully grown man could convince himself that lime green crocks would look good on him.
i could't wear that belt anymore, it was gonna make me keep shitting for the rest of the night
it was funny though when you first woke up you pointed at my shoe and said i need my jacket and then put my shoe on your hand
i am about to cut my stepbrother's hair into a mohawk with the same clippers i use to trim my pubes. god is so on my side today.
i offered her breakfast shots. she politely declined.
This guy randomly got in our taxi, and has now collapsed on the sofa anouncing that he's staying the night.
I think I'm allergic to vodka. Or people getting engaged. One or the other. I want to die.
He's an acquired taste, like S&M or those crunchy things they put in salads
Croutons?
Sometimes you just gotta fuck a has been local celebrity for your 15 minutes.
Uh, he still talks to you after you basically sexually harassed him using emojis?
I'm gonna take a nap by the fireplace and pretend like I know what day it is.
have no fear, swaggie olivia is here to bring glorious gifts and horse dick to children
sitting in a shitty karaoke bar playing pokemon go and drinking a mimosa. how is your sunday night
Update: drank half a bottle of Bourbon and texted three ex's. Waiting for the roommates to go to sleep so I can raid the fridge.
Randomize
