I murdered the dance floor call the cops
Smith looks like a guy that goes on a lot of first dates
Just rolled over and realized my vodka goggles are not as functional as my beer goggles
Googled "can you put dry ice in your drink?" I'm safee
I got vodka in my stocking. Having an alcoholic mom has paid off.
She peed in the limo. She stood up and pulled up her dress and peed on the floor of the limo.
My sister hid me from my parents, brought me a bloody mary, and told my girlfriend I was out with my dad. For 13, I got to say she's working out pretty good.
Um please remind me to tell you what happened tonight. It involves wine, pain killers and firing a handgun in our apartment. Legit might be hiding from the cops this weekend.
Yea, she's 42 I'm 23. Girls our age are terrible. All they need is a divorce and a bottle of wine
I just looked at your pics on Facebook....there was cake? Where the fuck was I!?
I'm really high and I'm watching this show where Gordon Ramsay goes to other people's restaurants and just yells at them about things.
I'm washing down the sadness with shots of vodka.
Don't take advice from me. I'm simultaneously shitting and eating cheesecake.
He was singing on top of spaghetti, and then started crying. He said it was the saddest song ever, "so so sad".
Put viagra in his coffee. I did that with Geoff last month and three hours later I had bitten through a throw pillow and gotten a noise complaint from a neighbor
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