i woke up under my mattress pad with him laying naked next to me and his wwjd bracelet on my nightstand.
nice, that's exactly what jesus would do.
im so drunk with asians
where?
always
And now that i don't feel so bad because you're not pregnant the $15 for the pregnancy test I bought would be appreciated
It's been a wonderful constant drunkeness. We played Marco polo with some random like 8 yr olds in the kiddie pool.
I did a hand stand against the glass wall at Ziggy's with no panties on and got 3 phone numbers. Thank God I shaved this morning...
Thing I said while arguing: I want to be single again so that I can have pizza and dick rained down upon me.
Pulling out all the stops on being a lady.
I'm not drinking with you for AT LEAST a day
I told a 250 pound football player I would catch him if he jumped into my arms. And that is how I broke my wrist
THE CEO RESPONDED TO THE MEMO WITH HIS "UNICORN" EMAIL ADDRESS AND NOW HE'S APOLOGIZING TO EVERYONE FOR USING HIS PERSONAL EMAIL AT WORK.
Best part about losing weight and not fitting into your pants any longer? They come off quick for chipotle emergencies.
Never start off a conversation with "speaking of STD's..."
So I woke and tried to get up. Then I realised my foot was stuck in the pocket of the pool table.
Babe, holding my hair while i blow you doesn't count as being romantic
Now, I know I say this a lot, but you've obviously never seen my penis.
We ran out of vodka, so instead of body shots you wanted to do cupcake shots off her naked body...happy birthday to you.
Randomize
