Tell her she's as useless as a condom.
Sometimes when i'm at a cross roads in life, i think about what i would want my lifetime movie to show what i did
it was 6 in the morning, and you cried until i put mulan in. then you proceeded to say every word, not to mention sing along... stop drinking.
I was doing the dishes wondering what was with all the tiny little cups, but then I remembered that some people drink things other than huge mixed drinks and big cups of water the next day.
Escaped ambulance. Meet me at your apartment.
Hey, did you take me to hospital last night?
Okay, we really need to start training for the St Pattys parade. 48 hours of green beer won't end well if we don't prep ourselves. 2 week bender starts now
Our foot and a bit height difference is kinda fun, except she's so tiny that after we ate burritos it looked like she was pregnant. I had a confusing bonner.
Nah I've been there. The worst you'll see is some hobo peeing in a sewer at 3 am on a Saturday
You know, part of me wants to die and the other part of me doesn't want to live
Yeah. I made eggs in a microwave. I think that's an accomplishment this week, MOM.
So his 25th anniversary post of love to his wife was almost verbatim what he said to me last week. Does that mean I win or lose?
One day soon I'll learn the difference between a good high and way too high. Today is not the day.
So, then you thought it was a good idea to dress up like the Hamburglar, buy a bag full of McDonalds hamburgers, go to Burger King and throw them at everyone while screaming "HAMBURGLAR!". At that point there was no stopping you.
I haven’t been this excited since I found out they sold cases of Jack Daniels.
Randomize
