dude facebook disabled my account because im registered under a false identity. now in order to get it back, i have to prove that it's really my name. i sent them an email and had to sign it "Cordially, Lloyd Pancakes"
Life lesson: Don't ever put your penis in a crazy girl. Especially if she's married. And has a kid.
My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
just threw the rents a curveball by making french toast and bacon when i came home sober. good luck tellin when im high/drunk now.
I had to throw up. it was the only way to avoid kissing her after she swallowed..
the amount of times i have wished for a boxed wine emoticon is almost alarming. almosttt
My roommate threw his shoe through our window and I came out of my blackout kicking holes in my wall. Pretty sure Edward 80 Hands won't be happening anymore.
I'm trying on my bridesmaid dress so that I can determine what will need to be done to achieve getting fucked while wearing it.
We built a fire and had sex in the kiddie pool. Then he washed my hair
Strong work
I don't always steal things but when i do it is a six foot five dos equis guy
We told you to go get more fire wood and you came running back with a log that was on fire, not drunk at all.
A giant panda just asked me for a cigarette and said "man pandas gotta smoke too." There is something wrong with this place.
You know the cave of wonders in Aladdin? That's how I feel about his apartment. Except with blow and other treasures.
I've made this amazing blanket/pillow cocoon combo and I am set for life in here.
Ahhh, the bane of our relationship.... His mediocre penis
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