My mom just told me that the key to a successful marriage is never seeing your partner take a shit.
It must be a full moon weekend. All of my weird booty calls are coming out of the woodwork. I spent 40 minutes on the phone last night telling one why he is so creepy.
I just found your credit card inside the bag of chips
He cummed in my mouth, then said he had to go because his best friend broke his foot falling off of a balcony, put twenty dollars in my hand and was gone before I could even swallow...
I got my parents high. They've been watching spongebob for six hours. You cannot tell me I'm not the favorite
My water bill is like twice the normal amount. I need a boyfriend.
Do I even want to know?
i think it would be like really awesome if scientist could genetically engineer manatees to be like the size of goldfish so i could have one in my fishbowl and be like FUCK YEAH TINY MANATEE
Another one? Damn, how many David's is that?
six.
Oh, I thought it was higher.
No, that would be the Matt's
a search helicopter?!
I noticed a trail of vomit coming up the drive way. You must be home
That's the 3rd time I've gone home with her and she passed out on me. I poured 6 boxes of cereal on her and left
He told me we shouldn't hang out because it would be weird and then snap chatted me a picture of his dick
What is more embarrassing, shitting yourself in Mexico or having sex in a forest preserve with a 19 yr old? This is crucial research.
DETAILS
long story
just tell me the parts i wanna hear
weed, brooklyn, rough sex.
I just found three upside down bottles of grapejuice in a triangle around the air freshener above my toilet... I guess it was one of those nights
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