i was so high that i was eating crumbs of my bed only to realize they were fuzz thingies. fml.
dude sorry about putting my finger in your butt last nite i was wasted and thought it was mine
I saw hookers! I saw hookers! I saw hookers! I saw hookers! I saw hookers! I saw hookers! Live in the flesh!
your idea of a balenced meal is a microwave frozen burrito, a cup of ramen noodles, and a can of budlight. honestly tell me how your resolution is to lose weight,
I don't even want to go. i just want to be a hermit and live in a cave with an elephant that pisses vodka
I woke up in nothing but a shower cap and your sparkling coke straw snorter thing inbetween my toes. Explain.
For future reference "I'm too drunk to come today" is an acceptable line to get out of work. I love my job
she found out just an hour ago that she might have cervical cancer. either way we're watching 50/50 and taking a shot of patron anytime anyone says cancer.
he told me i smelled like babies and pine needles and he wanted to bathe with me. new boyfriend is not a keeper
He was barking to the beat of "I like to fuck" and then chugged 3 beers and fell off the deck.. I should have gotten community service hours
My liver was like a college freshman on spring break. It would've danced topless on tables if it could have.
Remember Christopher who always sends me pictures of his penis? Look to your right, boy in the blue.
I planned to shave today but it's Friday the 13th I might cut something
I woke up with an empty beer bottle in my slipper and a note that said "it just wants to be warm"
Staff meetings will be awkward since my boss and I both did the new intern
Maybe she doesn’t know you did him
Oh she definitely knows - it was a threesome
Please tell me you’re not taking life advice from porn scripts again
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