god I wish I could record you sometimes, you're so neurotic
can you explain to me why you commented on every one of my profile pics with "tits and beer ftw" please and thank you.
I feel kinda awkward using the Sesame Street themed Google to search for hot young pussy...
I woke up this morning with my hair wrecked, a split lip, and an "H" on my right knee and a "I!" on my other knee.
They broke our car window and then wrote "great night" on the next
If I take diet pills with my edibles I'll be a perfect person
It's take your daughter to work day... I really shouldn't be here right now
I've got my wine, though it wasnt very good so I threw a sour patch kid in it
Law school has no idea what kind of prospect they have coming in. I just convinced a cop not to take me to jail by asking him if he really felt like cleaning puke out of his car tonight.
You know its going to be a good day when you have to brush your teeth out of a cup in your room using the vodka and water mixture in your fridge because you're locked out of your restroom
I'm sitting on my couch eating a bag of marshmallows and watching someone run bare ass down the street. What has happened to my life?
The pee I just pissed was about 7% better than the one at your house. But both are pretty far up there.
This whole pope visit thing is ruining me having sex.
Just renamed the subject of my sex list on my phone "grocery list" just in case anyone comes across it
Are you still in his room?
Nope, yogged home at 8 am with one shoe on.
Randomize
