i just shit 3 out of the 4 types of matter
this girl literally referred to her butthole as her "back pussy"
her name was charlotte except you kept calling her chatroulette and yelling at her to show you her boobs
remember last year when i left for the bar in flip flops and came back in heels?
it happened again.
i woke up wearing her shoes. this night isn't going on my highlight reel
We decided this year instead of not participating in Halloween at all we are going to hand out free beers to the parents.
I told him about the time I blacked out and shit myself and he still wanted to have sex with me that night. Feeling pretty optimistic about where this fling is going.
He said we were over, wrote my name on the condom he left in my car last night and said he'd always keep it in case I came back. It was kind of romantic
i just told him to get ready, because I'm going to be taking out my anger over the Super Bowl out on his penis.
I spent last night dying strippers pubes green and landscaping shamrocks. That is why hands look like I squashed a leprechaun.
somehow a ride to walgreens turned into a threesome.
I yelled at the cab driver to slow down because my unborn children live here, and pointed to my uterus. I think my message was lost in translation though because he immediately offered me his card...
Whatever, ill dance on the bar at applebees, don't try and act like you're above it.
I really need to get a comfy set of masturbating shoes
Someone made a mask out of a crown royal bag. Can't decide if tacky or awesome.
Randomize
