Ha Ha the cop that just pulled me over would like me to tell you hi!
I'm currently trying to figure out how I woke up naked and handcuffed to my bed. Not real worried about class right now.
I'm eating tomato paste and drinking banana juice that is expired. Can we please get groceries tonight?
He got punched in the face, dropped his laptop down a flight of stairs, and broke his roommate's lava lamp, getting all the toxic lava goo everywhere. This is why we don't let him get drunk. And yet here we are.
That bottle of wine took a part of my soul with it.
I don't care how hungry or impatient you are. the highest setting on the microwave is 100% and you better not take it appart to add power. This is not the Enterprise.
The teenager outdrank all of us. All. Of. Us. I woke up and she was getting everyone water and fruit snacks. I give up.
The stripper told Tom to sort his life out
FYI my mom is sending thanksgiving "samples" of her fancy pot stash for us this weekend. I bring the BEST family leftovers.
Holy shit I'm 26! That took an embarrassingly long time to figure it out, I need to keep buyin weed from this kid
In another note. Thanks for making me get a vibrator. For real.
i found you passed out on the floor with a half-eaten pie. i figured youd be the last person to care if i went and banged your sister
I'm doing my accounting homework with my vibrator. Guess whose numbers are balanced on the financial statement? This ladys!
He’s perfect! He listens to Genesis during sex and has a VW bus!
You really are from the panhandle, aren’t you?
She called a 10 year old handsome and we gave her a look that was equal parts confused and “what the hell is wrong with you”
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