I spilled a beer on myself, so I went back to my place to change. The city marshall was at my door with a warrant. That beer cost me 760 bucks.
I am drinking with my family and the average drinking tolerance is a shot and a half. I feel like the incredible hulk.
its like an ocean threw up right in your lap
She tried to wake me up by touching my dick. I kept pretending to be asleep.
Im shirtless eating a burrito. How urgent is this?
I wish the inside of the tampon box said "CONGRATULATIONS YOUR NOT A MOTHER!"
We're too lazy too send a pic of out balls. Just assume this is a pic of our balls and respond accordingly.
You know, I never expected to find myself with a roommate who I'd have to ask not to have sex while I'm in the room. And yet, here we are.
my head hurts. i need an adult
and not like a cool parent adult. like a full fledged party pooper grandparent adult
My neighbor caught me peeing on his rose bushes at 2 in the morning while wearing my Santa hat. My sex appeal has never been higher.
He was all like, "I think ur the one that got away and I miss you." I replied, "I gave u a hand job once in your hot tub. No need to wax nostalgic about it."
What's the politically correct way of saying you've made someone your bitch?
He said we were over, wrote my name on the condom he left in my car last night and said he'd always keep it in case I came back. It was kind of romantic
My girlfriend is talking to my ex-boyfriend at the bar right now. I REPEAT, GIRLFRIEND IS TALKING TO EX BOYFRIEND RIGHT NOW. GET ME THE FUCK OUT OF THIS PLAACE
Things he's good at: oral sex and geometry. Things he's not good at: actual sex.
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