It was like if Side-show Bob had a vagina for a mouth
I think my mom's writing a book called how to fuck with your kids when you know they're high
Listen, what he fails to understand is that the Olive Garden does not equal pussy.
About to see some guy and give him a glance that tries to express how sorry i am for blowing his friend while he was getting a BJ in the same room
the only good thing about breaking up with him while naked was that i got to make a forgetting sarah marshall reference
Just got a voicemail from a guy referring tp himself "as chest hair guy". If I'm coming home to a intervention I understand.
Check having sex on the rocks and dirt on the peak of saddleback mountain off my list.
I felt like a god.
He told me he wanted to sober fuck the shit outa me... I took that as a compliment
So I put a beer on your bed and jumped on th3 other side of the bed like in the commercials. You my good sir, owe me a budweiser that your bed drank.
No Bryan wants to get drunk, rub inappropriate dudes legs, talk about my vagina and send me pics of his boomerang dick. That's not how you watch basketball.
That's how he does EVERYTHING!
He literally wrote out a schedule. On it, there's a taco break, and a spot where I start crying.
There was this blissful moment of peace and quiet... then you ran past our window with a lit firecracker in hand going, "SHIT. SHIT. SHIT!"
On a separate note, I just found out some condoms aren't vegan. Problem.
Hahahaha I can't wait for you to ask "wait. are there any animal by products in that?"
He's in grad school at Harvard. I suppose that means my vagina is now smarter than I am.
He had to put his grandma's photo away before I tied him to the bed. She doesn't need to see any of that.
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