The spoon I was using to ice my hickey just fell out of my purse while i was paying at the liquor store. I look like an alcoholic with a meth problem.
You do realize the lyrics aren't "hold me close TONY DANZA" right?
You can't be serious.
Call me at 7:30 and make sure I'm not asleep in this booth at Waffle House.
You broke a window with your face. I don't think the landlord will be as impressed as we were.
They were going around the house breaking things and screaming "Not my house!"
I can already almost taste penis in my mouth
Dude this stripper just dry humped the settings off my phone. She earned that dollar
I was tripping balls on the bathroom floor and his dog walked in. The lights in his bathroom have motion sensors, so I thought his labrador retriever was Jesus.
Just proved I could salsa dance in a bar where no one was dancing
Sidenote...no idea how to salsa
I'm going for high school drunk, you've got 15 minutes to get here.
I feel like my dick pic collection should be archived at the Smithsonian
You introduced her by saying, "This is the girl who sexes me." Then you passed out on the coffee table.
I don't care how hot she was, she wouldn't stop singing "Shut Up and Dance", instant boner-killer.
I can feel your judgement through the phone
So I was laying on the couch reading a book and he texted me. All I saw was the image of him spitting on my vagina last night in the moonlight. I gagged.
Randomize
