Who would have guessed that ordering a vodka lemonade at Roscoe's was code for I want a hand job
Just promise me you won't ring in the new decade by clutching onto a toilet
And next time please put a text between discussing my orgasms and discussing your son - that was weird.
He's grinding topless with a group of girls to that discovery channel song. May I take a message?
Halloween is the only night where I would ever end up getting a guy's makeup all over my face
I would like you to know I am eating your apology chocolate, which means i forgive you for puking everywhere before formal
Apparently it's bring your ugly annoying ass piece of shit slob of a baby day at work
Don't drink and shop. I went for happy hour and came home with a fog machine. I now have no other choice but to scare the shit out of my neighbors with it.
You brought a jar of mayonnaise to bed. It doesn't get any worse than that.
Also, I wish we had magnetic nipple rings and our boobs stuck together.
I have a corndog on my dresser and a trashcan of puke. Thanks for a great night!
I didn't think this needed to be said, but our sexts are an emoji free zone
somehow a ride to walgreens turned into a threesome.
I just want a relatively mentally stable guy with tattoos and facial hair that loves Captain America as much as I do and will fuck me the way I deserve to be fucked, is that too much to ask for?
Sex in the backyard? Check.
Randomize
