Either she got face surgery at midnight, or i need to stop drinking...
Need to stop getting stoned with this chick, I keep waking up covered in pizza sauce
the fact that he forgave me for making out with the bartender is proof that i can fuck my way out of anything.
So to distract myself from jackies vomiting, im making up a story in my head. It's called the little penis that could
Want to know what makes for a better story than treehouse sex? Getting busted during treehouse sex
You asked me to text you at 11 and remind you that he's 33. It's 11:20. He's 33.
you're too late. he has eggnog and whiskey and all seven seasons of buffy. I shan't be coming home tonight
You need to be full form and virile tomorrow so I can live vicariously through your rub and tug.
How do we stop her downward spiral?
Wine. For us.
I haven't seen her in probably 3 months and when she showed up wasted to my house she promptly pulled out her tit
You never know true fear until you're on your period in a house full of white furniture.
Over 14,000 people at my school and the kid I went home with last night is IN MY FUCKING LECTURE
She told me I was absolutely not allowed to sleep with him even though she knows I'm a rule breaker who loves a good challenge.
Just because you can't have him, doesn't mean you can have his brother.
What about the best friend?
Moms passed out wet and naked in a rocking chair again....
The whole country is going to hell in a handbasket but I got a grade A fucking and don't particularly care.
Randomize
