Fuck 8am classes
Dear Jesus I'm gonna throw up through my eyes
I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
There's a group of australian girls next to me. can't take them seriously. think they are going to turn into mr g
the EMT asked how you broke your nose and you said, "you know, the usual wear and tear."
I know we had a good night last night because his turtle was half asleep chewing on the used condom.
The other night after we fucked we talked about Lowe's vision insurance. Never fuck a coworker.
Dude. Remember the only two rules I set for that? Always have a sober friend and don't do drugs with a fat chick.
After the Jell-o shots and about 6 shots of lighter fluid brand tequila, it got to the point where breathing was painful. All I could do was pray I didn't fall asleep in the front yard.
His idea of role playing was him wearing the halloween mitt romney mask while I gave him head
I wasn't half as drunk as u but u were saying u were a "worm" and u tried to slither out of my grasp
I went to an 8am hookup in another guys sweatpants. Who is the really player here?
He's so sweet...I can't see him enjoying that I got injured during sex.
I have more important things to worry about than you drowning your cheerios in tequila.
Yeah. I hurt his pride. But he's not over it. And by it I mean me.
Highlight of the day: got a bunch of drunks to sing baby shark.
Randomize
