he kept kneeing me like he was playing footsies... only then i realized it was his dick.
Just bought a pack of cigs...gas station guy informed me i took off my underwear and tried to pop a squat by the milk last night...
the only human I can compare her to is rosie o'donnell.
Mass Text: Free blowjob to first person to bring me a nacho cheese chalupa.
the bride spent most of the night apologizing to people she had punched earlier.
I just got kidnapped by the rugby team for a scavenger hunt. I'm "the girl you had sex with last night"
Every time I walk onto campus my Saint Patrick's day scar starts to throb. I'm like a drunken accident prone Harry Potter
I had a face to face conversation with her vagina, asking it not to make me look bad.
I just wanted to be nice to your dick and you are rhyming at me.
Taking care of a girl who just peed on my floor so tonight is not a good night for sex
Apparently I offered the cop my Taco Bell.
Desperate times...
You know that if they offer you a bagel they are determined to sleep with you, right?
I get so sad when I watch him slowly destroy his life with whiskey and cocaine. Then he bites my neck and I just want to fuck him. I can't help it.
You ate my ass why wouldn't I remember you
You should probably come home from vacation now. I make badddd decisions when you're gone.
Randomize
