He could be your dad!
We discussed that right before he asked for my number
You missed out on a serious adventure. Cops were called. We put a chicken in someones house.
she gave me her number. found out it was already stored in my phone as "bathroom blowjob"
Why i have shady connections. Owner just txt me asking to come by and judge the new stripper.
All I remember is intermittent flashes of being passed out on the side of the road 3 or 4 different times. And telling him to just leave me there and I would walk home in the morning.
I have to be at work in a hour. Can you sufficiently fuck me in 35 minutes?
i wish i could tell my students that all of their lessons plans were brought to them by captain morgan and diet coke. it's like seasame street, only for high schoolers being taught by a student teacher.
There are more dirty dishes in my bed then in the kitchen. Have I lost at life?
I took it upon myself to take one shot of tequila to have an excuse for hitting on my not-single coworker. It worked.
if there is one thing you splurge on it better be nice condoms
His cat kept scratching my feet while we were having sex. There's only room for one pussy around here. It also concerns me that he owns a cat.
I want to share a beverage of the alcoholic category with you, but I'm conflicted about getting out from under my covers.
And despite my lack of successful relationships I'm a fucking guru
That's like claiming you're a good coach but going 2-12 last season
Just peed on the front lawn of the capital building. Great American.
Tell me you're alive little brother. And please tell me you didn't get arrested. You made no fucking sense last night in your random texts and pictures you were sending me.
Randomize
