I have no morals, kinda like you have no standards
None
You tired to make Beefaroni in the Mr. Coffee machine.
I understand that I gave you a nose bleed with a cheeto last night and for that I apologize
I truly believe that the solid foundation of any healthy relationship is a drunken one night stand so I can just get all the nasty shit out on the table
I have no idea where I am, where my pants are, there is cheese stuck to my ass.. Why do I have your phone?
shot for shot with some guy twice your age to prove Detroit hustles harder then you left with him. We're tracking you
Well, on the plus side, the hospital gave me a shirt that says "Makes a bad ass look good"
When I'm famous, she'll look at her kids and go "I saw her buttcheeks beefore she was famous. I'm truly blessed."
Good news: I actually puked in my bathroom, the vomit from the living room was actually from someone else.
That's horrible but hilarious
I'm going to miss college.
Ummm so I'm at the hospital and just heard some guy get tazed......twice.
So I just had breakfast and then sex in a parking garage before he went to school and thus I am loving my life
If you can't accept me drawing a Santa hat on your penis then we can't be friends
Not a problem, sailor. I speak both autocorrect and typo.
I can't believe that after 9 years of signing things as "BATMAN", the first place to turn it down was the liquor store down the block.
I just don’t understand what sort of USPS worker wants to take my unitard and sex toys.
i gotta say this to some one...... my penis feels sooooooooo sooooooft, its amazing
like for real, sooooooooooooooo smoooooooooooooth its amazing
I can't wait for you to read this text tomorrow
Randomize