i just saw a man dusting the fake palm trees at the mall
...welcome to nebraska
I woke up wearing a cow costume. I'm not even gonna try to recall what happened last night.
We had sex after spending two hours in the drunk tank. It was really deep and meaningful
Stoned ambition #8. Must learn sign language.
Did you know there's no emoticon to really tell you that I just consumed a magic brownie?
Dear Beer Goggles, it's time to see the eye doctor. With love, your biggest fan.
I'm sorry you couldn't sneak away today. You're the only guy I'm fucking that I can talk with about the other guys I'm fucking, and I need some advice
i cant wait to be back in my element of drunk, on a barstool, ive missed home
It's a lost cause. Soon she's gonna get naked, just let nature run its course
I'm like a magical alcohol dispenser. I pulled this kahlua out of my vagina.
Yes. Amanda is the only option and I want cake so I can sacrifice my vagina.
No shame December is a go.
The guy I blew last night was pierced in multiple places. I had to use extra caution to avoid my temporary filling.
Just imagine a dick squawking like a parrot
Well I told him I’ve got the flu....he said he’d wear a condom
Anything special planned for Valentines Day?
Does testing the strength of my coworker’s marriage count?
Randomize
