He passed out on the patio with nothing on but his boxers. So we put our beer caps on him. Yeah he woke up with a polka dot sunburn.
she blew me in the men's room in the restaurant. it was a french bistro, so it was okay
Honestly, your dog is in better hands with that homeless guy.
We didn't need to cut her off. I'm pretty sure the lit candle she almost drank would have done it for us
When did you hit me on the head with a stool?
In my drunkeness I was planning how to throw up without my parents hearing. I was gonna go for a "run" and just throw up outside.
I made him say "i realize i'm cheating on my girlfriend" five times aloud before i would hook up with him. Somehow that has to lessen my bad karma
I gave the guy a $20 tip on a $9 cab ride, he thought I was just bad at math but I was really just incredibly thankful to be alive and home.
I was like "don't worry, I'm a math major and you deserve the shit out of that 222% tip"
I don't think people appreciate how hard it is to fuck in a portapotty. Sarah and I had train for that shit.
Oh shit. The hangover. It has taken 20 mins and 5 attempts to tie my shoelaces
Is your gma going to be okay with me passed out drunk on the ground
WHO GIVES HANDJOBS AT 8 IN THE FUCKING MORNING
This Asian instant coffee I found in ur kitchen is like crack. Who knew I could feel my heart beating in my asshole after one cup of this happiness.
He went three whole days without making a star wars reference, of course he got sex
you missed a good time last night.
you texted me at 10 telling me to come fuck you, that says enough.
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