You should've come with us, we're at Home Depot looking for men.
I have to brush my teeth today to feel like I did something.
so high and i think i just ordered a magic bullet.
did you call within the first 18 minutes? can i have the free one?
You never did explain why you were in wal-mart with a wok full of popcorn.
still finding ketchup in my shoes. thanks to graduation that is probably the last time ill ever say that..
Called the cops on a high school party then went in after all the kids ran away and took the rest of the beer. What are you doing tonight?
I'm really stoned in my underwear. I probably won't make it to the bar.
You've gotta make sure the carpets match the drapes, though.
I am not dying my bush blue.
Have 7 min to kill while I wait for liquor store to open. Feels really awkward.
Also, totally got laid in my yellow rubber boots and it was awesome.
I HATE HIM SO MUCH I HOPE HE GETS IN SOME WEIRD ACCIDENT WHICH MAKES IT IMPOSSIBLE FOR HIM TO NUT
things i am: 1) still drunk 2) still wearing my leopard onesie 3) still gonna make my 9am lecture despite the odds CAN I GET A HIGH FIVE
you bounced a quarter off my butt and it came back hitting you in the eye. karma, bitch.
you know you're sexually deprived when you're holding a warm taquito in your hand and your vagina starts to tingle
Who fucking spams baby shark at a sports bar
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