i just saw a homeless guy running after a pigeon, catch it and put it in his jacket pocket. I'm not sure if the bird is now his pet or dinner!
Omg. Well, welcome to Oakland...
I*** M*****, this is your dignity texting you. I ditched you when you started hitting on bros and old sailor men last night. My friend Sarah has pictures to prove it.
I smell stomach acid.
I just shaved my vag with a razor my dad left when he was here a few months ago. Too hungover to think about the Freudian connotations
Tomorrow is Have Sex and Climb A Mountain Day. We have amazing dates.
She apologized again the next day. I said it was pee under the bridge
Is it socially acceptable to be blind drunk at half five on a Monday afternoon?
Which pub are you in?
I just sneaky put a tampon in on the bus ninja-style.
......how on earth do you do that?
NINJAAAA
He's mad at me because I said I wouldn't date him if his dick was smaller. I fail to see the issue
Apparently 'ewww' is not the correct response to him saying he has to go to a funeral while I'm there.
I'm going to the store to get corona, salad, and blunt wraps...
what could you have possibly accomplished by watching 6 hours of a mythbusters marathon
well, i added sex in a wind tunnel to my bucket list
I had to explain to the doctor why I'm peeing blood. He still didn't believe a girl would have that much sex... You could feel the judgement forming in the room when I went into the details...
Damn, well a girls gotta get laid too
I might have to quit marching band. It's affecting my drinking schedule
thank you for being so understanding of my weak stomach and poor self-control
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