But if ***** wants to get filthy... Tell her to throw a text my way ;)
my mom just threw water on me to get me awake and is screaming "where is my fucking car?!"
you gave me a ride last nite what the hell did you do with it after you left me?
is it a bad sign that i now think of my run-ins with cops as "skill building seminars"?
um, yeah. i think it is.
my mother and i just seriously had a convorsation about why you cant Google "Refurbished Dildos"
he texted me at 1 in the morning to ask if i wanted to come over and play in the snow with him
at least he gets points for a creative booty call
Disney World has no open container laws. Ohmygod this place is even cooler than it was when I was ten.
There's an Captain Planet marathon because of Earth Day. I can't NOT turn this into a drinking game.
we found you under the sink... we opened up the doors and you told us to go away because you were playing indian in the cupboard
Cognac is not meant to be taken in shots. I just wanted you to know the desperation of last night.
When she was dating that guy she told me If they broke up, I would receive a call and no matter what I was doing I'd have to go over a fuck her. It's like being an EMT for sex.
Hey, you gotta think, is this REALLY the penis you wanna see for the rest of your life? THINK!
His hands kept asking for sex, but all I could think was "dude, this is going to ruin my high".
I was gonna drive but when i tried to use telekinesis to get my keys, I knew I shouldn't be driving
I expected better sex from someone with the word CHAOS tattooed above his dick. But on the bright side, he was down to watch a documentary on Honey Badgers afterwards so I guess I'll keep him around.
"hahahaha" is not a sufficient reply when I tell you my mother laughed at a joke about me giving blowjobs.
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