Bullshit. I know you're watching The Dog Whisperer
That Cesar Milan is captivating
How was your Memorial Day?
Don't remember... but I do have an American flag painted on my boob signed by a Staff Sargent... Oh God, I hope that's his military rank and not a nick name.
I really hope your girlfriend didnt have your phone while i texted how much i loved doing it in HER car with you :x
DUUUDE!! just found out that the fbi has a kids page. guess who's got a new jumior officer printout badge?
He violated my cat. I was not impressed.
This guy kept running around with a blender giving people shots of everclear and vodka. Best. Toga. Party. Ever.
I can hear her moaning. I'm on some random guy's counter. He wanted me to cuddle but I said I didn't know how.
They're re-releasing Titanic in 3-D. Can I interest you in a joint venture to create the greatest drinking game of all time? I think yes
I swear 95% of pictures on my phone are from drunken nights I don't remember with me doing a peace sign alone in somebody's bedroom.
I HAVE A BLACK EYE FROM A DILDO!! IM GETTING MARRIED TOMORROW! THIS IS NOT A MISSUNDERSTANDING!
He had bigger boobs than me last night and we both weren't wearing a bra so it was a fair judgement
Responsible roommate: 1. Someone who takes a huge shit at work so as not to clog the toilet at home.
Just say the word and u can be elbow deep in this glorious rack
This is why I love you...
i looked at my texts in the morning and saw that i had a full conversation with myself via text thinking it was someone else. i rejected myself
I am a unicorn in a field of flowers, you asshole.
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