garbage
garbage dick
rubbish cock
you win
i'm listening to "transmissions" by The Tea Party from like '97 and waxing my legs. fuck i'm awesome in my alone time
Why the fuck was there a shirtless Mexican in my apartment this morning?
Over it. He probably jacked off to bible verses last night. I don't want that
He was singing Will Smith Just the Two of Us to his burrito. That high.
It's happening again. I feel like I'm under water and my heart beat matches "Teenage Wasteland"
I just imagined your drunkass eating Taco Bell in my living room. This is the Godmother of my potential child.
I just spent the last 30 mins playing uplifting songs to my uterus, & there's no way I'm pregnant.
Alright, text me when you get close. I've got a mustache and I'm ready to get my day drunk on.
I was just the victim of a drive by judging in a horse and buggy.
The fuck? Where?
St. Mary's. Amish people. Too high for this.
Just because he told you it was safe doesn't mean you should have licked it.
This girl is wasted dancing to The Final Countdown. She's grinding on a guy who came to the bar in a track jacket and a wife beater
dude I don't even care if I'm getting catfished the point is I'm going to get laid. hot bitch, fat bitch, skanky bitch, i don't care my penis is having an adventure tonight regardless
4 pharmacies and not one had Plan B. If this is gods way of telling me it's time for a child, he can fuck off.
Why did I wake up naked with a leg cramp and and extra $550 in my wallet?
Randomize
