Ask me how many people I've slept with. Because its changed since I last saw you.
I saw you 20 MINUTES AGO. You need to stop this.
Also thongs make me have to fart a lot.
He told me he had more lines than a plaid shirt
My entire floor is waiting for the couple to come out of the shower. She's a screamer. We've blockaded them
In a car. Threw up in my mouth. Haven't said a word in 10 minutes.
One of my students in my 8am class brought me a Tim Hortons cup with a bloody Mary in it. Clearly, I didn't manage to look not drunk when I ran into him at Denny's at 4am. Who decided to let me teach?
I think I was using my hair to catch my vomit last night.
You were.
And my coffee table looks like something out of Scarface
Happiness is having a 12 hour day thinking that there are only 2 beers in the fridge when you get home, but then finding 8. Fuck you Monday, this week I won.
he pushed me in the lake knowing full well I had joints on me. that's drug-abuse!!
Will keep you updated on the sexual orientation of my new guy
I never realized how weird our shower smells until I cracked a shower beer and had a familiar aroma to compare it to.
I'm definitely not mad. My best friend is dating my drug dealer, it's impossible to be mad.
I woke up upside down with my head in your ottoman and like a foot of space between the ottoman and chair.. My legs were straight up in the air... Yes. Your mother found me.
Let's just say if my bucket list had "fngered in the middle of a club by a complete stranger while being sprayed by UV paint" then that is well and truly ticked off.
Randomize
