Alcohol only hurts me because he loves me.
Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
CONQUERED: Sean from next door. Just wanted to let you know ;)
How many people did you send this to?
can i drink enough to forget this semester even happened?
im sitting in the back of my pickup eating an artichoke. please come find me, im scared.
that was a mass text, wasnt it?
#1 lesson to be learned from mardi gras this year: lock your car doors or some grimy dude like me might just bang in it and use your backseat as a kleenex
I was mixing candy canes and coors light and was in a great place.
Well im sitting on a futon on a porch at 1:30 in the afternoon drinking boxed wine out of a pint glass next to a chick with a homemade neckbrace. What do you think?
I just wanna say I did some math and I lasted 1,052,000 more minutes than you at the bar before I got kicked out. That's 729 days. Bitch
Well I walked the wrong way for a little bit and I don't remember if I fell asleep or not but I definitely laid down under the over pass for a while
No one's ever called me intergalactic cocksucker, before.
What does it say about me that I feel completely charmed right now?
I'll just tell you, some how when we were having sex on Friday my collarbone got fractured.
Wedding party came into the bar an hour ago. Mother of the bride is a stage five clinger. send help.
This may sound strange but do you have my pants?
You tried to trade them for some girls skirt... So she has them...
This is a hangover from hell. Delivered by the devil himself.
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