I decided to buy a keg of Miller Lite instead of paying the electric bill. Just thought I'd give you a heads up...
Who's got a bloodstream full of margaritas by 2pm? Not you, that's for sure, because you've got one of those "real" jobs.
You could say the cab driver was less than excited when we called his personal cell phone at 4am for directions back to our hotel after having blacked out at the club
You just kept holding your breath for a really long time and calling it lung excersizes.
If you're not on crutches for breakfast, I'll feel like I've failed you.
i just want to attach a dildo to the ceiling and ride it like a gay spiderman.
I have woke up on a strange couch, in a strange house, on another campus. Can you Friend-Find me and pick me up?
I told him the only reason I'd sleep with him is if we have a threesome because I'll need moral support
That is cause you are some weird type of mutant that lives off of Alcohol.
This morning when you were fucking me you said you'd go to the store and get me tampons and a 30 pack
He kept referring to my giving him head as a new level in our relationship and acting sentimental
You gave him a bj, not a kidney
I always feel bad for the sober driver... Never been me but I feel bad... empathetic AF
Why is there bacon in the couch?
well true... there's not a real discreet way to masturbate in public
If I don't get alcohol poisoning from tonight I don't think i ever will.
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