once we finished he held up the condom and asked if i wanted to keep it as a souvenir.
oh and he was serious.
He just washed his hands with scrubbing bubbles yelling "They work hard so I don't have to!"
I woke up at 5 this morning face down on my bed with gummy bears stuffed in my leggings. Yeah.
so high and i think i just ordered a magic bullet.
did you call within the first 18 minutes? can i have the free one?
She threw all the patio furniture in the pool saying she was building a castle.
This is the way my sobriety ends: Not with a bang, but with a whimper.
i dont care. it has been a 14 hour day, and we are all celebrating by alternating shots and grilled cheese.
could you please not use my mortar and pestal for its intended purpose? i just snorted cracked black pepper.
We simultaneously blacked out then simultaneously came to then simultaneously had sex with the neighbors. We're definitely meant to be roommates.
We're pretty much just dating until one of our ex's wants us back
He was literally going down on me and giving me a foot rub AT THE SAME TIME. What more can I ask for?
I have a present for you
Like a legit gift, not just me showing up and getting naked
I gave him a bj as a thank you for helping. I think that's good.
I. Love. Skype. Sex.
I think it's just been too long since actual dick has been inside you that you only THINK you love skype sex
My dad told me that my grandparents are giving me $20,000 and my actual response was "do you know how many kittens I could buy with that?!?"
Randomize