I skipped work to stalk him.
Careful when you walk in I'm laying by the door.
I was just counting ceiling tiles when he ate me out, it was that bad.
She gave 2 thumbs up when Nirvana came on the radio while blowing me in the bathroom
Nothing sez sunday morning like waking up in a phonebooth with a leg cramp.
I'm tired of stuffing my fat into a slutty costume. Next year let's go as homeless girls. Cute ones. In leggings with camel toe.
I resisted the temptation to hold the cake in one hand to alternate bites with the ruffles I was eating. I decided that might make me look dysfunctional.
There's still helium in the tank I found in the garbage outside the bar!
He walked in at 7am saying that the police had his shoes and phone because he's being investigated for attempted auto theft.
Just had an epiphany about how to drink more effectively in the shower. While walking across campus carrying a Franzia bag like Santa
The cops came, and I made friends with him. He wants me to babysit his kids.
someone stole all your weed so you told us you were planning each of our deaths
She asked how comfortable I was with her while we were in the shower. She then proceeded to pee in said shower.
I was walking out of the bar when he said I'll see you later and I said I'll see you in my dreams and then fell face first and broke my nose
We couldn't find her anywhere. Finally, I saw her sitting in my bathroom floor spraying hair mouse into her mouth and whispering "I fucking love whipped cream." WHAT DID YOU GIVE HER AND CAN I HAVE SOME?
Randomize
