My liver just broke up with me...
Care to explain to me why theres a baby food jar filled with semen in my fridge? or why its labeled as unicorn sweat?
So the girl I hooked up with last night pretended to be from Comcast when my girlfriend stopped by this morning. She even made a fake appointment to check her internet. Best hookup ever.
I havent jerked off in so long, my dick literally prevented me from rolling over in my sleep this morning. new definition of painful?
Brought out my three foot martini glass last night, that explains why I haven't left my bed all day long.
Yeah I hope so. Definately just saw two freshmen in very authentic togas and cotton ball beards. This new class is stepping it up.
There are now half chewed girl scout cookies plastered to my windshield. Do you know anything about this?
If you ever bitch out on 72oz margarita night again, this friendship is over
If you wanna be a real wingman, create some insecurity and comment on that pic of all the hot girls with "Id do every girl in this pic.. except the fat one".
You okay?
I walked into work with a banana and a loaf of bread
Just used my front-facing camera to check my pupils. Technology!
I just saw a bunch of drunk old guys riding on the side of a modified old fire truck yelling at cars and smoking while they looked for parking...promise we will be just like them when we grow up?
I'm craigslisting fire trucks as we speak
It's accurate though. I am legitimately passionate about pickles. I crave pickles the same way I crave sex. It is a deep rooted animalistic need
The moral of the story is this:the last shot of the night is always a mistake
Plus you need some new dick in your life, the environment is fucked enough you don’t have to recycle anymore 😂💀
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