remember when she hit me with her car by accident, well apparently it wasn't an accident.
I am in shape. i keep telling you that.
Round is not "in shape," it's "a shape."
My Nuvaring birth control makes me queef.
So J keeps drinking his last bit of drink, then spitting it out and drinks it again. Savor the flavor?
My cousin's wedding had personal beer funnels for each table and a drinking game against the bride and groom. im sorry for ever calling you white trash
Theres also beggin' strips and a dog bone in the corner...nooo signs of there being a dog though.
the bar tender told me i could keep an air matress in the backroom.
I just hit the bong during the whole bday song then blew the candles out with my exhale.
Who wouldn't want a man who can knock a guy out but also loves the bachelor.
It's the best of both worlds
I want to get a list going called "D list celebs I've kissed"
I just went on etsy and my personalized suggestions on the page were either kinky sex restraints or baby things. I feel like etsy just summarized my life.
I think you might be the first man ever to describe getting a blowjob as "neat"
I just saw the co founder of Waffle House passed away Friday. Are you okay?
That's about the same time my life started falling apart... Coincidence?!?!? I think NOT!!!
Dude in the stall next to me shitting and sobbing. Dude another stall over, "Come on bro, you gotta loosen up." This is why I don't shit in public.
It's the first weekend of the school year and I'm already selling stuff for booze. Need a microwave?
Randomize
