: I need to find myself a plastic surgeon husband so i can get boobs.
but u need boobs to get one in the first place.
Just chased the kids into the backyard with kitchen knives. Best. Babysitters. Ever.
He looks like he has a penis
What the fuck
A good one, a good penis
Hahahaha you would not believe what I just pulled out of my vagina. Actually you probably wouldn't be surprised.
I knew my sign language would come in handy. I just used sign to coordinate a coke deal.
I would sacrifice a finger for two more hours of sleep.
OHMYGOD I LITERALLY JUST FINISHED JERKING OFF AND MY MOM BUSTS IN AND HANDS ME A BABY WHAT THE FUCK IS GOING ON IN MY HOUSE JESUS H CHRIST!
I couldn't find pants for like 20 minutes so I was butt ass naked just sitting on your floor
We have a shopping cart in our front lawn. Also Mickey D's breakfast?
I just used a box o wine to refill a bottle o wine to more effectively drunk clean
I accidentally brought up how there used to be a big tree in his yard, which I could only have known if I had been Google mapping his house.
FUCK YEAH PUPPY BOWL
Uber southern baptist grandma and uber flaming cousin just got into an argument about whether jesus is OK with gay marriage. Aren't these things only supposed to happen at Thanksgiving?
I just balanced a full glass of chocolate milk on my left boob. Don't think i've ever been more proud.
Do you recall asking me to zip line through your wedding dressed as a bleeding angel?
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