First rule of pills: If you can't remember what it is, take half.
i found a beer bottle on top of the urinal, peed in it and put it back... if anyone gets drunk enough to fall for it they deserve it
if you could put a roof over IU campus it would be the biggest whorehouse in the nation
You proceeded to call me a hoe and then informed me that Bear Grylls is and always will be more important than I am to you.
He literally just walked in some random persons house and walked right to they're pantry. Then five minutes later he walks out with pop-tarts, mac and cheese, and captain morgan. We need to chill with this kid more often.
My roommate made me go home after I mooed at fat girls at the gas station.
I tried to take a photo for proof but couldn't hold my penis, camera, and measuring tape all at the same time.
Results of pregaming honors college basketball social: 18 points, 3 blocks, and 3 flagrant fouls leading to 2 broken bones on former valedictorians. I'm doing this more often.
If drinking before honors events and injuring our universities brightest doesn't get you kicked out of the program, you're not trying hard enough.
A client gave me a bottle of vodka today. And he was hot with a beard. It's like he knows my soul.
Walking through campus with a grocery bag full of pot brownies. I'm like the santa claus of 4/20
You are the only person I know who has a fierce hatred for a five year old. Not even five year olds in general, yours is very specific
eh, I feel I'm heading for a breakdown and I need to get it out of the way before I start writing that lab report.
If you can't have hot, loud sex in a dorm for the last time ever, what can you do in this world?
i ran into the Jo the housecleaner earlier this morning. i mentioned i had a little hangover and she asked what the occasion was.. i replied "Tuesday" without thinking. she judged the shit out of me.
dude. I can hear the air.
Randomize
