im proctoring the SATs right now and im still drunk from last night. i really wanna tell these kids that this fucking test doest mean shit and they will just be constantly drunk once in college.
I told my dad that bagels were the equilelent of angels kisses and if he bought me one i would do a split
you just stood there spinning and got mad if anyone tried to stop you
Remember the 3 things that are off limits? They're fair game if you get here in the next 5 minutes
last karaoke night = doing dmx songs with a guy who threatened to stab me. so yeah I'm coming out.
If you already knew specifically that I was smoking a bowl in my remodeled bathroom AND THEN still wanted to initiate sexting, please proceed to the altar and marry me this instant.
antibiotics and champagne: breakfast of champions
I've been there a week.. I'd rather all my coworkers not know that I'm already sleeping with my boss.
AND HOLY SHIT FLUBBER IS ON NETFLIX
We're doing a team debriefing of Saturday night in group text right now. As 75% of the female presence at that party we saw some shit.
Nothing but goodness could come from two friends getting naked. Think of all the good advice and other things we could give to each other.
I'll meet you in hell with unlimited boxes of wine though
plus like he's kinda a piece of shit. a beautiful somewhat talented piece of shit that hella needs to get his life together
I just got out of the shower and I feel like I just washed off 10 lbs of bad decisions...
I just convinced a telemarketer I live in a tree.
What did he say?
He still asked if I want a home security system.
Randomize
