if any two of us come back from the bar and aren't getting laid we will systematically destroy everything in the kitchen
i just woke up in a strange room and the first thing i saw was a chewbacca mask... wtf
I had new employee orientation at the YMCA today. I showed up with a hangover, a black eye, scratches down my arm, and a sore throat from puking gin and keystone.
Sandra Bullock looks like the most recent Michael Jackson
Just took my morning after pill in the library
I woke up to find her cooking breakfast wearing nothing but my Nuggets jersey. I don't think this could end better.
Miss Michigan hasn't even been Miss USA for 24hrs and already stripper pole pics are surfacing. Classy.
i have a strong feeling i fucked one of the waiters here...
As a matter of principle, I waited until noon to start the drinking binge.
he wouldn't lick chocolate syrup off of me because he's vegan. most awkward shower ever.
You got her pregnant one week before your vasectomy? You couldn't wait one week to cheat on me?
can i text him and be like "oh yeah, forgot i kinda made out with a girl this weekend. For future reference, does this count as cheating?" ?
who was i chillin with last night? i woke up in a storage unit
I just sent a dick pic to a number on Craigslist, this may be my new low
wait you fucked a guy who wears k-swiss? seriously?
I know, im living my 7th grade dream
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