Trimmed my pubes and broke your paper shredder. Separate events.
I wish I could rss feed the hooker ads on craigslist because it looks suspicious that I check craigslist every hour.
i made two phi delts show me their dicks in less than 30 words! Take that twitter!
Good, she had spurs on her boots. That is a sign for instant herp attack.
I woke up to him drunk-t-bagging me, saying "huevos rancheros" were being served for breakfast.
I see your smile in the face of every drunk that senses he's about to slay a troll.
How do you feel? I threw up in a towel. Also, a lot of other things.
I would rather get explosive diarrhea at the aquarium than go home alone tonight
my still drunk mind thought "hey this is a really good time to stand in the middle of the street barely clothed in 20 degree weather at 4 am talking about the blow job i gave him soph year of high school"
Don't mind me. My boyfriend is carrying me because I'm broken not because I'm drunk.
It's not even 9:30 yet..
I'm sitting at dinner with my family looking over sexts. The thirst is far too real. They're talking about retail and I'm like haha, yes, you are all correct.
Today's goals: get day drunk then sober up in time for the walking dead tonight.
I am become drunk, destroyer of all worlds
What part of “the stripper has a gun, we need to leave” is confusing you? She’s drunk, she’s fucking crazy and NOW SHE’S PACKING HEAT!
Put my boyfriend in a chastity cage while he was passed out last night. Now I control his orgasms.
Randomize
