they told you the "weed man" wouldn't come until you were asleep, like santa claus. you believed it.
May have caused an international incident. More details after we taxi in.
is election day enough of a holiday to justify getting fucked up on a tuesday?
I need a leash, or some shame. Maybe.
Walked girl from last night to car as gf was driving up. Got slow clap from neighbors.
So I craigslisted sugar daddies and I'm pretty sure I found us one if you can pretend to be asian.
Dude. Photoshop a Santa hat on your mug shot and send it as your Christmas cards.
I'm just more comfortable with the bondage
Friends don't let friends go vibrator shopping alone.
I found a video of us drunkenly yelling "we wanna be the Pope" as we passed around the blunt
I just got high and swiffered the bathroom floor....2 for 2 on brilliant life ideas
You just wait. When you see me foam roll naked, you're going to lose your mind.
I turn into such a nice and loving person when I take Vicodin
It's a combination of amazing uncoordination, bad luck, and sheer determination to cause destruction wherever I go.
Just walked into the supermarket puking into a plastic bag while wearing my favorite Bob Ross shirt. I am a human disaster.
Randomize
