I was born with a shot glass in my hand
I drunkenly recorded an episode of Family Matters last night. I took a shot everytime Carl Winslow had a mustache.
the coke olympics were a bad idea. there's a tree uprooted in the front of my building.
Hes still mad that I left the room mid-hookup to go get a pickle from the fridge.
you referred to yourself as the crossing guard because of your neon shirt and began directing bar traffic
she's a dental assistant. she can get nitrous. kinda looks like a sloppy bucket of fuck. time to take one for the team. NEED SHOTS STAT!!
It was over as soon as he asked if he could name my vagina pancake.
Then you bent down and whispered, "excuse me mr. Stair, could you please stop moving?"
I told the DJ last night to play Third Eye Blind before 1:45 and just pointed at him as I walked away. He didn't do it and at 1:45 I just walked out pointing at him, without my friends
I just need some dick and some jimmy johns
My previously white toilet seat is now hot pink. I'm not sure why or how but I know it's your fault.
I'm trying to make sure he doesn't drown in the toilet. Because I'm a nice lady.
You had sex with him AND his man bun. Like not just him but also the bun.
They were assless. I wore assless football pants.
According to the office gossip the new secretary is “a homewrecking whore”. Think I should spend $27 on a fake wedding ring?
Yes! Want that picture of you and my nephew?
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