My complete lack of self respect has really improved my blow job technique
Come over and play the Jeter 3000 drinking game. You drink if the commentators say "captain" or "3000". I'll drink if they say "overrated" or "past his prime".
I think the camel was justified in biting me.
Apparently I told the bartender to stop putting ice in my drink because it was taking up too much room
Bro. Some kids just drive-by judged the shit outta me.
After you tried speaking to him in whale you asked if you could see his "blow hole." That's how bad it was.
We should totally stay in at new years, have sex and try to time orgasm to the countdown
OMG THE KID WHO TRIED TO MAKE OUT AT THE BAR WITH ME IS SITTIG NEXT TO ME IN THE AIRPORT. WHY LIFE WHY???
I have decided that today will be all about indulgence and hedonism.
Next time I think buying tan-thru bikinis is a good idea, remind me of that time I passed out in one and burned the epic shit out of my pussy.
When was that?
Yesterday. Bring aloe. For my pussy.
Is it too early to get staydrunk at 1pm on Friday for Monday's St Patty's day
His fucking flight got canceled because the president stopped at the airport he was flying out of... Fuckin Obama literally just cock blocked me
My neighbors are white girl rapping to Hamilton again...
My brain is a dvd screensaver and I'm allowed to have a good thought when it hits the corner
I I was gonna wake him up with a blow job but I don't know how he would feel about it.
Randomize
