Its about time the women of america have a president they can masturbate to again
You can't be mad at me for wanting to drink though, it is the reason we're engaged
All I wanna do is sit in water and get drunk. The only thing more American is giving birth to eagles.
I forgot it was 4/20. that COMPLETELY explains the 7/11. i was like "that's a lot of white dudes... and they're really into snacking."
I had the spins so badly it was like I was having sex with 2 girls
What would you say if I got first degree burns on my nipples from drinking coffee topless?
Who knew that one of those cheesy light up equalizer shirts would be the light that all those drunk college girls gathered like moths around?
Accidentally hit on the same girl twice at the bar, she give me her number both times though so I think its cool.
What people don't tell you about near death experiences is they give you a full on chub
Are you feeling okay?
Right now, not a single thing feels even slightly okay. That hungover.
guy next to me on the train just pulled out two bottles of gin and a block of cheddar. is slowly making his way through all of them.
Omg have I shown you my skeezy ex fiancée?
The other one.
He forehead kissed me AND THEN asked what I was thinking. I'm taking away his man card.
Dont... please don't. Don't fuck him on his bean bag bed
His dog hid my thong. Let me tell you, the last thing you want during a commando mini skirt walk of shame is lots of wind. There’s a church congregation that knows all my business
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