You look like a girl that would like strip clubs
Last night was an abortion. I might need a publicist.
Dude michael jackson died, guess he's not 'stayin aliveee' any longer.
Uh dude that wasn't a michael jackson song it was the BGs
my last 3 google searches were anal itchy vagina and ice cubes
just got my tax refund and at bell. how do you say i want a grand worth of 5 layer burritos in spanish?
I'm making presurgery martini's. You need to be here.
I'm sorry that I didn't get belligerently drunk and did not put my penis on your neck again
I make one hell of a fire on Ambien. Other life choices not so much. But fire. Fire I can do.
He showed me a picture of his baby hamsters and I called them "Mammal McNuggets"
My sober self will be embarrassed tomorrow. For now I am laughing my ass off.
Even his sexts are poetic. He said breasts instead of tits so I'm gonna lock this shit down asap
Would I do it again? Probably not but still,I don't regret a single ratchet thing I've done in college.
I can't believe we broke the fucking lamp.
*i* can't believe believe we broke the lamp fucking.
I'm reading the Hobbit in my blanket fort alone with a bottle of wine... all I need is dungeons and dragons to complete this superfecta of awesome
We still getting married? Or were you day drinking
Randomize
