what do you think about when you wanna get rid of a boner?
dying kittens.
Sometimes I kiss girls just to make them shut up.
Just spent 45mins blow drying a joint i dropped in a beer....i felt like i dropped his infant child....
I'm going to show my kids 2 girls 1 cup just to scare them away from porn
what started as sign language exam pre-drinks to calm the nerves turned into me waving at a deaf woman for 20 minutes
please stop yelling "ITS NARNIAAAAAAAAA" out of our window at the lone person walking home in the snow
NO. NO LET HIS PENIS TOUCH YOU.
I remember you licked my face and said that's all you're getting
he wouldnt let me in bed until i took off all the stickers i was covered in
all night she kept rolling over and mumbling something about wanting an extendable retractable urethra.
It's 4:30 AM and I just walked through a line of 10 deer without them freaking out. I am the campus deer king.
He tried to brush a hair off my cheek, but turns out it was just a freakishly long chin hair. So no, we didn't bang.
Nothing like walk of shaming to the bus stop in your bar clothes at noon and seeing the fire truck you work on drive past with the other shift giving you thumbs up.. Brotherhood at its finest
You want further proof that God hates me? Okay. We're on the way to the ER. A homeless man stabbed me at the gas station.
Apparent my drunk ass was so dedicated to taking a piss, when I walked across the dance floor to get to the bathroom a 9/10 broad tried to dance with me and I just pushed her aside, like hard enough to send her a few feet from where she was standing, pointed at her and said "Not now chief, gotta rock a mean one."
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