Dude! wtf happend last nite? I woke up with 2 black eyes and a head ache
You stepped off the curb and face planted the road...twice
Why didnt you hold me up....and why a second time?
I helped you up but figured it was wayy funnier to watch you fall again then lose my buzz....
there is a polo shirt epidemic at this bar. also, im pretty sure i just saw the grown-up coppertone baby
shut up. I wear heels bigger than your dick
i feel like our whole relationship was one big acid trip
If I had to summarise my weekend I would do so using the words "horrifying romanian moonshine"
I got a letter from the home owners association saying its against policy to have sex on the trampoline.
Witnessing a crazy lady on the bus screaming about how romney is one of the four horsemen of the apocalypse.
Someone just knocked jenga into a plate of cake. I'm licking off each piece one by one.
well one of us has to be wrong and it's not going to be me
Also I am throwing a blaZer over what I wore to bed and calling it an outfit.
PLEASE AT LEAST MEOW SO I KNOW YOU AREN'T DEAD
Update: pile o Coke party starting at approx 4 - 7 and going until 1ish to celebrate our founding fathers and love of cocaine and hatred of everyone\n
Learn from my mistakes. DO NOT try to steam a garment of clothing while you are wearing it. The burn is not worth the de-wrinkle.
Are you drunk? You left me a voicemail at 5:59 AM of you making dolphin sounds.
I peed in my closet, which at the time looked like a sparkly bathroom...
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