It took him longer to undo my bra than he lasted..
that shirt you're wearing that says "officially single" makes me think you'll be that way for a really long fucking time.
It's not mothers day until you're vomitting syrup into grandma's toilet. Cherish the holidays
i don't know how the hand towel got involved, but i peed all over it
Struggs. It's also 90 degrees out but I'm not sure I can feel heat or cold any more. Too hungover.
It's been two weeks and I still have carpet burns on my knees. Well done.
Apparently I covered myself in sunscreen before I went to bed. Im just assuming that due to the fact I found an empty bottle of sunblock
I woke up on the ground next to a bed of naked men. I'm either a drunken genius or the enemy....
I told her that I was going up to my room to lay in front of a fan without pants on, watching Avengers and she still wanted to get with me. I have to marry her.
So both cops helped talk her into coming back into the bar and doing a shot with me. The main argument being, "a bar is no place to be sober!"
he bit THROUGH my nipple
plus side, no need to pay for a piercing.
The fact that he quoted freebird as his breakup speech was a little more classy than expected
That's probably why white girls drink so much espresso. Piledriving coke and vodka crans takes a fucking toll man
If a cop comes up to me I'm whipping out my cock, swinging it around and singing the national anthem
I need dick so bad, I’m dressing sexy for the school pick up line and sports practices to entice a few of the DILFs
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