I was taking a piss and started puking. I pissed myself and made a mess in the bathroom. Passed out, then got up and went back out from 11pm to 5am.
I changed 4 diapers and slept horribly in our hot apt. Now, I'm at my inlaws house watching the Rangers get pummeled. Oh how our lives differ.
I was born with a shot glass in my hand
One of my students just wrote an essay on how ninjas, like drug addicts, must realize they need help before they can get better...I gave it an A+
you threw up in the bushes next to the ABC store and kept saying "you're home, blueberry vodka, you're home!"
I go to guys houses late at night, have a little fun, come back by dawn having made their life a little bit better. I am the official blow job fairy.
Listening to her yell about my drinking problem is not helping my hangover.
Hey man, sorry I chased you around the house with a small table.
Is "you left your socks here, please come get them" a good way of saying "come fuck me?"
I flashed some kids doing a church car wash. I feel like I really improved the quality of their lives.
Idk, you were a drunk pirate that kept stealing pieces of people's costumes to keep as your booty.
That would explain all the random shit in my room...
My boobs are feeling quite sensitive so I told them, " you is smart, you is kind, you is important" that should do the trick.
We need a bunch of roses, some chocolate, 2 cops, a mariachi band, and a thermometer
All I know is when I checked my phone this morning google translate was open with "help the cow ate my robot" translated to French
My apartment is so clean right now, I should invite someone over for sex just so someone can see how clean it is.
I was floored. Like way less concerned with him using drugs than I am with him not believing in evolution.
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